12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
