My hand turned me down
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
