the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Randomize
