I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i wish my penis had a tongue
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
