What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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