Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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