I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
