I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You ruined the universe
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
