my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
