I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
