Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
