I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
