I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
