I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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