She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Randomize
