the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
