I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
