I murdered the dance floor call the cops
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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