Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
