apparently the secret to your success is patron
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
