Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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