Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
