I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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