allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
