my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
