my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
