he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
