I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
