I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
