I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
