Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
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