i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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