It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
