Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
