i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
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