I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
