Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
you never un-have a 4some
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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