No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
