AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
