I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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