This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
