so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
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