This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
