Kareoke will never be a sober sport
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
