id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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