Four minutes until I can fart!
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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