So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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