I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
