my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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