i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
