Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Randomize
