Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I love you. Go after that dick
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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