I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
